The day had gone exceedingly well. The drive to the airport had been uneventful, the flight comfortable and we arrived in Colorado on a perfect spring day. I had no idea what was going on but I missed one early clue when we were heading to get our rental car. My wife had wanted to get an SUV for driving in the Rocky mountains but since I am used to driving a sedan I insisted on getting a midsize car. I have never had any issues with midsize rentals except once in Tampa when Avis gave me a PT Cruiser that could barely hit 50 mph and I was almost crushed to death by an truck as I pulled onto I-75 naively thinking that I might be up to speed within ten minutes of hitting the road.
As we entered the Denver Airport car rental area I joked with my wife and said “Don’t worry a midsize will be fine as it’s hardly likely to be a PT Cruiser !” Ohhh what a stupid thing to say as inevitably the first words out of the clerks mouth were “PT Cruiser ?” Despite the raised pitch of her voice indicating that she was asking a question she was in fact making a statement. This wasn’t a “Is it OK if I give you a crappy car ?” question but rather a “The only car we have other than SUV’s is a PT Cruiser.” statement. I couldn’t believe it but c’est la vie. Twenty minutes later and we were on the road in our rental SUV. We drove into Denver and marvelled at a spectacular view of the snow covered Rockies. A swift visit to the “Nature and Science” museum was followed by a delicious lunch and a lovely stroll through the city. I had wanted to move to Colorado for some time but within 4 hours of arriving I was convinced that this was the place for me so I told my wife “we need to move here.”
Anyone who knows me is aware that I am pretty stubborn and once I have made my mind up it can’t be changed. As we walked though the city center park on the freshly cut grass with the spring air gently blowing through our hair there was nothing that could possibly sway my mind. Well practically nothing however just as I was starting to look for local real estate listings I noticed a yellow banner had been hammered to the sign post beside our car. The headline was pretty eye catching “PLAGUE” it read. Apparently Denver has recently experienced an outbreak of the bubonic plague. That’s right, the bubonic plague. 13 million people died of the “Black Death” in Europe and it is something that has kept terrrified germophobes awake for centuries and yet suddenly here on this perfect day it was suddenly thrust into my world. I didn’t even know that the disease still existed but it would appear that the rodent population of Colorado decided to reintroduce it to the world this April. It seemed almost as if this was a a joke. What better way to persuade a would be Denverite to pack up his crap and get on the first plane back to Florida than this ?
The producers should have left it at this since I immediately decided not to relocate from Florida at all but they over did it a little with their next stunt. I say the “producers” since it is pretty bloody obvious you are in the “Truman Show” when immediately after being told your dream city is plague infested that you pick up a copy of USA Today which proudly anounces “Gainesville, Fl is the best place to live in the USA.” Seriously that is what happened. We left the park and my wife (who rather suspiciously was against the whole Denver thing to start with) handed me a copy of the hot of the press paper which had that headline on the front page. Ohh how realistic that Gainesville the insiginificant, over crowded, alligator infested, sweaty swamp hole that I just happen to live in is suddenly the best place in the country to live. Give it up “Truman show” execs. The game is up and I’m onto you. For months I thought my 5 year old daughter was weird because she walks around the house reciting TV commercials but now it all makes sense. I should have realised when you pulled the stunt with the PT Cruiser but this is too much. That is it I am leaving the show.